


Crack the Plates

by WeirdyMcWeirderton



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-06 17:31:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1866351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdyMcWeirderton/pseuds/WeirdyMcWeirderton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A one-shot explaining my theory on how Kili knew Fili was going to throw the plate to him when the dwarves clean Bilbo's kitchen and dining room and sing 'Blunt the Knives'. The first part is in past tense (bear with me haven't written in this in a while) and the last scene in present tense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crack the Plates

**Author's Note:**

> Just a fun little story that randomly came to me while watching AUJ. Another little one-shot. While watching, at the part where the dwarves clean up Bilbo's house and sing 'Crack the Plates' I thought it was interesting that Kili just kind of seemed to know that Fili was going to throw the plate at him and was ready for it. So, this is what I came up with. Hope everyone enjoys!  
> Also, in this story, I reference ages in here. I used Dwarf ages but these are the human age equivalent to them. 34 and 39 (8 and 9), 51 and 56 (12 and 13), 63 and 68 (15 and 16), 77 and 82 (18 and 19.5).

The first time it happened, Fili and Kili were still dwarflings; only 34 and 39. They had just finished dinner and their mother was busy sewing their clothes. It was a common occurrence for them to get holes in their clothes so sewing them was a job in its own for Dis. As a result, Dis had made her sons do the dishes.   
“Can’t we go outside a play first?” Kili had all but begged, giving his mother the full effect of his innocent, brown, puppy-dog eyes.  
“No. They will never get done then. Clean the dishes first, then you two can go outside and play,” Dis said, being careful not to look at her youngest son. Kili sighed but went to the sink, pulling the stool over to stand on it. Fili sighed as well, still sitting at the table. The last thing he wanted to do was clean the dishes. A small smirk appeared on his face and he glanced over at his mother who was distracted by her sewing needle. The smirk grew bigger and Fili looked over at his brother who was putting his dishes in the water tub.   
“Kili,” Fili called out to his brother, making sure to keep a lookout for their mother. Dis was heavily involved in figuring out how to sew yet another hole in Kili’s pants and wasn’t paying any attention. Kili turned around and looked back at his older brother. “Catch.”  
Fili threw his bowl at his brother and Kili caught it, his eyes wide with fear and excitement. He looked over at Dis but she wasn’t paying any attention. An ear-to-ear grin appeared on his face and Kili put the bowl in the tub and turned to face his brother again who had a plate in his hand. Fili threw the plate at his brother and Kili caught this one smoothly as well, placing it in the tub. And this was how the next few minutes went, with Fili throwing Kili the dishes and Kili putting them in the sink.   
After a few minutes, Dis realized that her house was way too quiet for having a couple of rambunctious boys who didn’t want to be doing the dishes. She stopped her sewing and looked up from her chair, her eyes growing wide when she saw Fili throw a fork at Kili.   
“Fili!” Dis shouted, startling both boys. Fili’s hand froze in the air mid-throw and Kili’s froze in the air mid-catch. The fork flew through the air, but being as how Dis’ yell distracted Kili, he didn’t catch it and it hit him in the hand, cutting him. Kili’s eyes grew wide and he looked from his big brother to his mother, his eyes welling up with tears. Dis had quickly set the pants down and hurried over to her youngest son. She grabbed his hand and took a look at it, seeing it is indeed cut. Dis sighed and looked over at her eldest son.  
“We were doing fine mother. But you yelled and startled us and it messed it all up,” Fili explained, looking between his mother and Kili’s hand where blood was flowing from the cut.   
“You should not be throwing the dishes either way,” Dis scolded both of her boys. She picked up Kili and set him down in a chair. Dis looked over at Fili. “Go outside and get me some water.”

KILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILI

The second time it happened, Kili was 51 and Fili 56. Okay, so that is a lie. They’d been doing it all along, but this would be the second time they did it in front of their mother. No need to get in trouble again, like the first time. They had always made sure Dis was out of the room, or the house, before beginning their nightly ritual of throwing the dishes to each other. Doing the dishes after eating had become their job and so they made the best of it. They were getting quite good at the throwing and catching and Fili didn’t have to call to his brother to make sure he was ready; Kili was always ready now.   
The doorbell rang and Dis had gotten up to see who it was. The problem was that the boys forgot she hadn’t actually left the room before Fili had started throwing the dishes to his brother. Dis opened the door and a smile appeared on her face; it was her elder brother, Thorin.  
“Thorin, how are you doing?” Dis asked, stepping to the side to let him in. Thorin gave her a smile before answering.  
“I’m fine. And you?” he asked, giving his sister a hug, which Dis returned.  
“Fine, the boys are just doing the dishes,” Dis said. Thorin nodded his head and looked into the kitchen and froze. Thorin pulled away and gave his sister a look.  
“The dishes?” Thorin asked, a smirk corked at his lips and an eyebrow raised high. Dis looked at him, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Thorin looked over her shoulder, his eyes danced with amusement. Dis looked behind her, her own eyes grew wide.  
“Fili! Kili!” she shouted, startling the boys into dropping a bowl. The bowl crashed to the floor and broke. Both boys’ eyes grew wide and they looked at each other before turning to look at their mother, having realized their mistake. Before Dis could say anything, a wide close-mouthed grin spread onto Kili’s face. Dis sighed and crossed her arms, glaring at both of her boys. “I thought I told you two that dishes were not meant to be thrown.”  
“We were doing fine until you startled us. Again,” Fili said, his face scrunching up.   
“Fili,” Thorin scolded and Fili clamped his mouth shut. Dis sighed in annoyance and chanced a look at her brother. She saw the look of amusement on Thorin’s face, despite the scolding he offered, Dis sent a glare his way which served its purpose of wiping the amusement off.   
“Your mother’s right boys. Dishes should not be thrown,” Thorin continued to lecture, fixing both of his nephews with his stare.   
“But uncle, we’ve been practicing and we’ve gotten really good,” Kili began but stopped, clasping a hand over his mouth. Fili rolled his eyes and sent a glare at his brother. Dis’ glare darkened and Thorin can’t help the look of amusement that returned to his face. Kili pulled his hand away and sent his mother his close-mouthed grin once again.  
“Mother, the only time we break something or someone gets hurt is when you yell at us,” Fili pointed out, having the courtesy to look sheepish at the announcement.  
“So, you’re saying I should stop yelling at you and let you throw my dishes around?” Dis asked, her head cocked and eyebrow corked. The boys didn’t say anything but Fili and Kili’s identical grins spoke for themselves.

KILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILI

After a while, Dis stopped yelling at the boys whenever they threw the dishes; they were right, nothing bad happened unless she yelled at them and startled them. The problem was, by the young ages of 63 and 68, the boys had gotten bored with just throwing the dishes. They had started adding in tricks, Fili bouncing the dishes off different part of his body and bouncing them to Kili who bounced the dishes off different parts of his own body before putting them in the sink. Of course, she hadn’t known they were doing this until then, but more than likely they had been adding the tricks in for years if how fluid they were was anything to go by.   
Thorin had come over to visit. After they had eaten dinner, Dis got up to go outside to grab the laundry she had hung out earlier. Thorin sat at the table and pulled out his pipe, lighting it and putting it in his mouth. He watched as Kili moved to the sink and Fili grabbed a plate, tossing it at his brother. Without looking, Kili caught the plate and set it in the dish tub. He turned around just in time to fluidly catch a fork and knife and place it in the tub as well. Fili and Kili shared a look before Kili’s mischievous smirk appeared on his face. Fili answered it with one of his own. Thorin noticed this and narrowed his eyes, knowing those smirks were a precursor to trouble.   
Fili tossed the bowl in his hand into the air and bounced it off his elbow sending it to his shoulder and bounced it into the air where he turned and bounced it off his other elbow, sending it over to Kili. Kili bounced it off his knee up to his elbow and into his opposite hand where he set it into the sink. Thorin held his breath, knowing Dis was going to walk in at any moment and see what mischief the boys’ had thought of this time.   
“You boys think that’s a good idea?” Thorin scolded his nephews, his eyebrow raised. Fili and Kili stop but then answer by sending him identical smirks. Fili bounced a plate off his knee sending it over to Kili who bounced it off his elbow.  
“Fili! Kili!”  
Kili’s head swiveled towards the door, followed by Fili’s. Thorin smirked but it didn’t last long when he realized what was about to happen.   
“Kili!” Kili looked over at his uncle only to have the plate crash onto his head.  
“Ow,” Kili said, rubbing his head as the plate crashed to the floor and broke. Fili sighed and looked over at his mother.   
“You said you wouldn’t yell anymore,” Fili said, looking pointedly at his mother.  
“That was before I saw you two bouncing my dishes off your body,” Dis replied, looking straight at her eldest son. 

KILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILI

The last time they did it in front of their mother was two nights before they left for the Shire. Their uncle stopped by to talk to their mother about taking back Erebor; about bringing Fili, and evidently, Kili with him. They were 77 and 82.   
Thorin sat by the fire, smoking his pipe while Dis was sitting across from him, reading in her book. Thorin heard clattering and he looked up to the kitchen behind his sister and saw the boys throwing and bouncing the dishes to each other. Thorin shifted his gaze to his sister, watching her carefully.   
“You’re not yelling,” he pointed out. Dis glanced up at her brother and sighed.  
“I’ve stopped trying. They do it anyways and they fair better when I ignore them,” Dis replied, looking back down at her book.   
“Dis, daughter of Thrain, gave up?” Thorin asked with a smirk. Dis sighed and set her book down, giving Thorin her undivided attention. She knew he was provoking her but she decided to comment nonetheless.   
“No. But I’ve learned to look at it as they trust each other enough to throw not only bowls and plates, but knives and forks at each other,” Dis explained, raising an eyebrow. Thorin shifted his gaze to his nephews and then back to his sister, thinking about this. He nodded and went back to smoking his pipe and watching his nephews, completely understanding what Dis is saying.

KILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILIKILIFILI

“Excuse me,” Ori says, walking over to Bilbo and Gandalf. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but what should I do with my plate?”  
Fili hears Ori’s question and a playful smirk appears on his face. He walks in from another room and over to Ori, holding out a hand for the plate.  
“Here you go Ori, give it to me,” Fili says, taking the plate from Ori. Kili, pipe in one hand, hears his brothers’ voice and walks from another room down the hall and out into the hallway in time to look over and catch the plate Fili throws his way, Fili knowing Kili was going to be there. Kili throws the plate behind his back, twisting to give a clearer shot and Bifur catches it without looking. Fili throws another plate at Kili and Kili twists again, throwing it to Bifur who catches it without looking again. Fili catches another plate and throws it to Kili who repeats his earlier movement. Fili catches a bowl and tosses it at Kili who bounces it off his foot and catches it before tossing it at Bifur. A bowl is thrown at Fili and he bounces it off his right elbow to his left elbow and back to his left before catching it and throwing it to his brother. The rest of the dwarves begin banging their knives and forks on the table and dishes, creating a rhythm.   
“Excuse me, that’s my mother’s West Farthing crockery, it’s over a hundred years old,” Bilbo exclaims to Fili and Kili. Bilbo moves to peer in the dining room seeing the other dwarves banging his silverware and stomping their feet on the floor. “And can…can you not do that? You’ll blunt them!”  
Bofur smirks and looks at the rest of the dwarves around the table, raising his eyebrows and tilting his head forward in amusement.  
“Oh, d’hear that lads? He says we’ll blunt the knives,” Bofur says, amusement evident in his voice. All the while the dwarves are throwing dishes to Fili who is bouncing and throwing them to Kili who in turn is bouncing and throwing them to Bifur. Kili turns towards his brother and the other dwarves and begins singing.  
“Blunt the knives, bend the forks.” Kili waves his pointer and middle finger to his brother telling him to send more dishes and to join in, which he does.  
“Smash their bottles and burn their corks,” Fili chimes in, bouncing another dish on his elbow and catching it, tossing it to his younger brother. The other dwarves begin chiming in and singing with the youngest in the group.  
“Chip the glasses and crack the plates. That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!”  
As the dwarves continue singing, they all begin chipping in tosses the dishes to each other and piling them up in Ori’s arms. All except Bombur, who continues eating and grabbing leftovers off unfinished plates as they are passed by him.  
“Cut the cloth and tread on the fat. Leave the bones on the bedroom mat. Pour the milk on the pantry floor…”  
Fili has moved into the kitchen between Bifur and the doorway. Kili is now literally up in the doorway, back against one side and feet on the other holding him up. Kili begins catching the plates and tossing them to Fili who pops up and catches them without looking and tosses them to Bifur.   
“Splash the wine on every door. Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl. Pound them up with a thumping pole…”  
Kili jumps down and catching a two-pronged fork and throws it at Bifur who turns in time to catch it before it stabs him in the eye.   
“When you’ve finished, if any are whole…Send them down the hall to roll…”  
Fili is back in the hall, catching and bouncing dishes and sending them to Kili who’s doing the same, both of them dancing around.   
“That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!”  
By the end of the song Bilbo huffs out in anger, but when he enters the kitchen he realizes that all the dishes are cleaned and stacked up neatly. All of the dwarves and Gandalf laugh, falling silent when there are three clear knocks on the front door. Kili’s head whips towards the direction of the front door, realization dawning on him who it is.  
“He is here,” Gandalf announces and the whole group walks to the front door. Gandalf goes to open it while Bilbo and Kili hang a little further back and the rest of the group behind them. Gandalf opens the door to reveal Thorin standing in front of him.   
“Gandalf,” Thorin greets and Gandalf steps to the side to let Thorin inside. Thorin walks inside, taking off his coat and setting it down. “I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. Wouldn’t have found it at all it not been for that mark on the door.”  
“Mark?” Bilbo asks, stepping forward. “There’s no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago!”  
“There is a mark; I put it there myself,” Gandalf corrects, shutting the door behind him. “Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield.”  
“So, this is the hobbit,” Thorin says, looking over the Bilbo standing before him. “Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?”  
“Pardon me?” Bilbo asks, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.  
“Axe or sword? What’s your weapon of choice?” Thorin rephrases, watching the small hobbit before him, walking around him and checking him out.   
“Well, I have some skill at Conkers…” Bilbo answers, turning with Thorin to always face him. “…if you must know, but I fail to see how that’s relevant.”  
“Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar,” Thorin says, amusedly causing the company to laugh. The company leads the way to the dining table, passing by the kitchen. Thorin glances in the kitchen and sees the dishes stacked neatly on the counter in there causing him to smirk. He glances over at Kili and Fili, walking next to him, raising an eyebrow in question already knowing the answer. Fili and Kili answer with their mischievous smirks and Thorin knows all he needs to know on the subject.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review!


End file.
